We Win by Surrender
What admitting powerlessness actually does in relationships with ideological extremists—and the trap to avoid when it starts to work.
Every week after the support group I lead for families and friends of political extremists (Free! Weekly Brought to you by LeavingMAGA.org), there seems to emerge a particular theme. It is as if the various attendees, from all the walks of life and different spots across the globe are connected by a common thread. I pick an opening theme, but the true theme of the evening emerges organically from the shares. It’s uncanny. And the potential healing balm always reveals itself by the end.
Last night, the opening topic was admitting powerlessness. One participant, who has dutifully been applying these concepts for her own well-being, and not to try to extricate her loved one from their ideological entrenchment, noticed something surprising. Her loved one began to change in response.
Our participant asked “I know we are supposed to admit we are powerless to change another person. And then from that space, we start to do things differently. But as I see them start to respond in little ways that suggest they are willing to compromise, then I get more excited about doing more of the things mentioned here. So, then, am I not still trying to control?”
The answer is “well, that depends”.
This goes to the old adage that A + B = C. (You) A can’t directly change B (your loved one). But if A changes, then C, the sum of the equation (i.e. your relationship) will change. Just, one never knows how exactly.
Her question reminds me of a powerful part of the book How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics (B-32). In the chapter “The Family Disease of Alcoholism” there is a section that describes the entire family holding the alcoholic above water. When one person lets go, the alcoholic falls beneath the surface. At that point, the alcoholic may become so uncomfortable (with drowning!) that he chooses something different.
If you start to accept your powerlessness over another person’s thinking and stop trying to fix, manage or control it, your loved one will likely sense a difference in you. And if they begin to shift in ways you like, you may feel a surge of hope; this is working, I should do more of this.
That is the temptation of the ego. It helps to remember that YOU didn’t change someone. You got out of the way, allowing the conditions for change to happen of their own accord.
So do you do more of that? Will you get more change?
At this point, the question is no longer about behavior. It is about motivation. Are you admitting powerlessness as a strategy to control them, or are you admitting powerlessness because you have honestly looked back at everything you have tried and seen that none of it worked, and some of it made things worse? Those are not the same thing, even if they look similar on the surface.
If you truly admit you are powerless over your loved one’s ideological extremism and let go of trying to change them, then when they begin to shift, the answer is not to double down on subtle forms of control. The answer is to continue letting go.
So what do we do? We keep the focus on ourselves. We keep moving forward, keep letting go. Keep processing the blocks to letting go that arise as we do the work.
And remember, we can’t do it alone.
The Solutions and Serenity group for friends and family of political extremists meets every Tuesday night and is offered free through LeavingMAGA.org. Click here to get the link or get on the list.
And if the question arises: Am I manipulating? No you are letting go. Just keep letting go. We win by surrender. Yes, it is worth pausing on that line. WE WIN BY SURRENDER.
Of course the victory doesn’t always look the way we think it is going to look exactly. There may be no sweeping apology. No big “You were right! “ moment. But there may be something quieter and just as real: a slow softening, less defensiveness, a gradual movement out of polarity and rigidity.
That is not nothing. It is, in many cases, the beginning.