This week I’m beginning a new six-week series with the families I work with who are navigating political extremism in their relationships.
But as I was putting it together, I realized that these are not just skills for families divided by politics. They are skills for being human in difficult times.
How do we stay grounded when someone we love is making choices that frighten or anger us? How do we accept a reality we don’t approve of? How do we know when to speak, when to set a boundary, when to act, and when our own fear or urgency is driving the bus?
And how do we remain ourselves when the world around us seems determined to pull us into reactivity?
So over the next six weeks, these are the areas I’ll be exploring:
1. How Can Two Things Be True?
I can love someone AND be deeply disturbed by their beliefs. I can understand how someone arrived where they are AND hold them accountable for their behavior. I can want a relationship AND need boundaries.
This is where we begin: moving beyond either/or thinking and learning to hold the complexity of what is actually true.
2. Acceptance When Things Are Unacceptable
How do we accept the reality in front of us without confusing acceptance with approval, agreement, resignation, or giving up?
3. Wise Mind: Finding the Place That Knows
How do we listen to our emotions without being ruled by them—and use reason without disconnecting from what we feel and know?
4. Distress Tolerance: Getting Through the Moment Without Making It Worse
What do we do when we are flooded, frightened, furious, or triggered and there is nothing we can immediately do to change the situation?
5. Interpersonal Effectiveness: What Am I Trying to Accomplish Here?
How do we communicate, make requests, set boundaries, preserve relationships when possible, and maintain our self-respect under difficult relational and cultural conditions?
6. Understanding the Action Urge
What is underneath that feeling of urgency or disquiet? What is it urging me to do? Do the facts fit the intensity of what I’m feeling—and will acting on the urge actually help?
What interests me about all of these is that they point toward the same larger question:
How do I stay connected to myself when I cannot control what is happening around me?
Because so much of our suffering comes from the understandable desire to make reality different before we allow ourselves to be okay.
We want the person to change.
We want the relationship to change.
We want the political situation to change.
We want someone else to finally understand.
We want the uncertainty to end.
Some of those things may change. Some desperately need to change. And we can work toward change. But our peace cannot depend upon our ability to make other people—or the world—cooperate. Our peace and our power has to be rooted within, even when without is a swirling maelstrom.
That is the deeper work I’m interested in.
Not disengaging from the world so that we can remain zen. Not pretending painful things don’t hurt. Not abandoning discernment, boundaries, action, or accountability. Learning how to remain connected to ourselves, to our peace, and to our power, while we are in it.
If you have a loved one caught up in any form of political extremism and haven’t attended Solutions & Serenity before, you are welcome to join us. The group is FREE and meets online, Tuesdays at 7 pm EST.
You can learn more about the group and find the link to join us here:
CLICK: LEARN MORE + GET THE GROUP ZOOM LINK
You can get on the group’s mailing list here:
CLICK: GET ON THE GROUP’S EMAIL ANNOUNCEMENT LIST
You do not need to have attended before to come. You are welcome to listen, share, or simply see whether the group feels useful to you.
And this week, we’re beginning with perhaps the simplest and hardest practice of all:
Two things can be true.
More on that soon.
Julianna